our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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