The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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