We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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