I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My ATM looks so different sober.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
