she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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