Too much gin, very little bucket
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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