The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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