I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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