We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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