Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
