I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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