If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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