We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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