Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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