his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
