So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
