I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
