I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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