rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
