He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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