it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
