just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
