sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
