and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
