....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
