She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
