when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
pop tarts are not kleenex
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
