I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
