i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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