dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
