I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
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