Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
