New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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