I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
