I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
well you can't waste a boner
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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