Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
