She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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