you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
