Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
