Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think your dad took our porno
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
