Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Someone shattered a urinal.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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