All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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