at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
