I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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