I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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