Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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