If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
