Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
