It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she peed on how many people?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
