I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
