Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
