I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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