Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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