Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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