you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
