Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
